Paper Gown’s, seriously!!!

Once again it was that time of the year that I had to have my annual visit to the doctors, yuck.  I’m not looking forward to this appointment because, well let’s face it, it’s not any fun.  So as I walk into the waiting room the first thing I hear is a screaming baby, and I think to myself I want to scream too but people think you’re crazy when you’re an adult so I hold it in and sign in at the front desk.

I take my seat and wait for the mountain of paperwork that you are expected to fill out with each visit.  I wish you could just write on the paperwork “Look at last years” but that’s not accepted.  My name is called so I go and get my clipboard with the mountain of paperwork attached.  I sit back down, still hear the screaming baby, and begin to fill out all the paperwork.  Once I’m finished I take it back and give them a copy of my ID and insurance card.  I then go back to sit back down and continue listening to the screaming baby, won’t that kid shut up for Pete’s sake. 

Finally they take me back, yes no more screaming baby.  The nurse and I walk to the scale, oh good lord did I wear light enough close, nope I must have gained 10 pounds from my house to the doctor’s office.  Oh well it is what it is.  Time for them to take my blood pressure, I’m sure it’s elevated after all I’ve been sitting in a room with a screaming baby, filling out a mountain of paperwork and I just got weighed, that would make anyone’s blood pressure rise.  Apparently between walking from the scale to the chair I must have died because I had no blood pressure.  After a few minutes of looking at me and then back at the blood pressure cuff she must have realized that I was indeed still a live and something must be wrong with the cuff so she takes my pressure from the lower part of my arm and, hallelujah, I’m alive.

After that scare it was time to enter the exam room.  We enter the room and the nurse hands me a paper blanket and paper gown, which she tells me is one size for most and to leave it open in the front.  She leaves the room and I fist unfold the blanket, I’m using the term blanket loosely as it was the size of a baby blanket, doesn’t she realize that I’m a grown up in a grown up body and a baby blanket isn’t going to cover anything so I quickly pray that the gown is made for grown-ups, I figured since I had just come back from the dead my prayer was sure to work.  Nope the gown was made for someone that wears a size 0, seriously how many people really wear a size 0?   

I begin putting on the size 0 paper gown, which I leave open in the front, and I hear a tearing sound so now my size 0 paper gown is open in the front and the back, awesome.  Oh well nothing I can do about it now.  I proceed to the exam bed, which why do doctors face the bottom part of the bed towards the door, don’t they realize that during the exam your whohaw is going to be facing that direction.  I hop up onto the exam bed and proceed to put the paper baby blanket over whatever I could and it happens, a hot flash hits.  Not just a small one, no that I could hide but a full blown sweat dripping one.  So I notice that now my size 0, torn, paper gown is stuck to my body, awesome.  Now that the gown is stuck to my body I’m thinking I must look like a fright.  Here I sit in the size 0, torn, wet paper gown anxiously waiting for the doctor to come in.

In walks the doctor, oh how I hope everything is somewhat covered, but since it’s stuck to my body at this point it doesn’t really matter.  After we exchange greetings the exam begins.  I’m soon asked to scoot to the edge of the exam table, not an easy feat since it feels as though I’m going to fall off the table and give the doctor a lap dance, not the way I want this appointment to go.  The doctor sits down to begin the exam and decides at that point to crack a joke, I start laughing and then begin to worry that I might laugh so hard that tinkle a little, whew I didn’t.  A few more jokes and answers to a few questions this appointment is over.

The doctor leaves and I’m finally able to take the size 0, torn, wet paper gown off and put my clothes on.  As I walk back out into the waiting room the screaming baby is still in there, thank God I made it through without screaming but there is always next year.