Once again it was that time of the year that I had to have
my annual visit to the doctors, yuck. I’m
not looking forward to this appointment because, well let’s face it, it’s not
any fun. So as I walk into the waiting
room the first thing I hear is a screaming baby, and I think to myself I want
to scream too but people think you’re crazy when you’re an adult so I hold it
in and sign in at the front desk.
I take my seat and wait for the mountain of paperwork that
you are expected to fill out with each visit.
I wish you could just write on the paperwork “Look at last years” but
that’s not accepted. My name is called
so I go and get my clipboard with the mountain of paperwork attached. I sit back down, still hear the screaming
baby, and begin to fill out all the paperwork.
Once I’m finished I take it back and give them a copy of my ID and
insurance card. I then go back to sit
back down and continue listening to the screaming baby, won’t that kid shut up
for Pete’s sake.
Finally they take me back, yes no more screaming baby. The nurse and I walk to the scale, oh good
lord did I wear light enough close, nope I must have gained 10 pounds from my
house to the doctor’s office. Oh well it
is what it is. Time for them to take my
blood pressure, I’m sure it’s elevated after all I’ve been sitting in a room
with a screaming baby, filling out a mountain of paperwork and I just got
weighed, that would make anyone’s blood pressure rise. Apparently between walking from the scale to
the chair I must have died because I had no blood pressure. After a few minutes of looking at me and then
back at the blood pressure cuff she must have realized that I was indeed still
a live and something must be wrong with the cuff so she takes my pressure from
the lower part of my arm and, hallelujah, I’m alive.
After that scare it was time to enter the exam room. We enter the room and the nurse hands me a paper
blanket and paper gown, which she tells me is one size for most and to leave it
open in the front. She leaves the room
and I fist unfold the blanket, I’m using the term blanket loosely as it was the
size of a baby blanket, doesn’t she realize that I’m a grown up in a grown up
body and a baby blanket isn’t going to cover anything so I quickly pray that
the gown is made for grown-ups, I figured since I had just come back from the
dead my prayer was sure to work. Nope
the gown was made for someone that wears a size 0, seriously how many people really
wear a size 0?
I begin putting on the size 0 paper gown, which I leave open
in the front, and I hear a tearing sound so now my size 0 paper gown is open in
the front and the back, awesome. Oh well
nothing I can do about it now. I proceed
to the exam bed, which why do doctors face the bottom part of the bed towards
the door, don’t they realize that during the exam your whohaw is going to be
facing that direction. I hop up onto the
exam bed and proceed to put the paper baby blanket over whatever I could and it
happens, a hot flash hits. Not just a
small one, no that I could hide but a full blown sweat dripping one. So I notice that now my size 0, torn, paper
gown is stuck to my body, awesome. Now
that the gown is stuck to my body I’m thinking I must look like a fright. Here I sit in the size 0, torn, wet paper gown
anxiously waiting for the doctor to come in.
In walks the doctor, oh how I hope everything is somewhat
covered, but since it’s stuck to my body at this point it doesn’t really
matter. After we exchange greetings the
exam begins. I’m soon asked to scoot to
the edge of the exam table, not an easy feat since it feels as though I’m going
to fall off the table and give the doctor a lap dance, not the way I want this
appointment to go. The doctor sits down
to begin the exam and decides at that point to crack a joke, I start laughing
and then begin to worry that I might laugh so hard that tinkle a little, whew I
didn’t. A few more jokes and answers to
a few questions this appointment is over.
The doctor leaves and I’m finally able to take the size 0,
torn, wet paper gown off and put my clothes on.
As I walk back out into the waiting room the screaming baby is still in
there, thank God I made it through without screaming but there is always next
year.
